Child Safety, D.C. Style

Lord knows, I'm not a ranter. And you would think that after six years here, I would be inured to the somewhat arbitrary nature of the District's laws and regulations.

But after yesterday, you've won again, D.C. You've managed to surprise me.

Sunday afternoon, Father's Day, the mercury was pushing 90 and I decided to take my 2-year-old daughter Kate to the public pool in Georgetown for the first time. Kate was understandably excited, with the word "pool" up there with "park" and "woods" as absolute show-stoppers. (And of course, "Elmo" but that's a different story.)

We arrived at the crowded pool on Volta Street and walked inside. Immediately we were stopped by a teenage lifeguard as if he were a border guard. He was staring at Kate's bright yellow swimsuit, which came equipped with small floaties sewn inside. "Is that a life preserver?" he asked, pointing to my daughter.

"Is what a life preserver? The suit?"

He nodded. "Every life preserver has to be approved by the US Coast Guard."

"Well, it's not really a life preserver. See, she's two and I'm not going to let her swim. I'm going to hold her in the water."

"It has to be Coast Guard-approved. It probably won't be a problem," he said. "Go talk to the manager."

(Kate's yelling. "Water. Water. Agua. Agua.")

We hauled back up the ramp to the manager's office. I asked him if it's okay for Kate to swim. He said, "Has that life preserver been approved by the Coast Guard?"

I told him I didn't know. He said he needed to check and asked me to take Kate's suit off to examine it. I peeled it off Kate and handed it to him.

"It hasn't been," he said with finality. We both had known where this was going.

"She can't swim?" I ask.

"Not in this."

"So let me get this straight," I said. "If she was wearing a swimsuit with no floaties in it, that would be okay. But this suit, which is safer, is not okay."

(Kate: "Water. Swim, Daddy. Water.")

"That's right," the manager said. "This is a government pool and that's the D.C. government."

"They don't want you to swim, Kate," I said to her. (I'm not above expoiting my child for emotional effect.) Her blue eyes grew larger with concern.

As I pulled her suit back on, I realized what I had to do to save Kate's day. We went down the ramp to the pool and I grabbed my keys from the beach bag. Holding Kate still, I made two small incisions in the fabric with a key, one in front, one in back. I pulled the plastic floaties from the suit and tossed them on the pool deck at the feet of the teenage lifeguard.

"There," I said. "We're good to go." And indeed we were. I had made Kate suitably unsafe.

The lesson: There's nothing that the District's government can't ruin—even a little girl's yellow swimsuit.

— Post by James Oliphant

Comments

[Kim Patrick]

Absolutely amazing. Good on you for doing what you did to get a point across. And sorry about the ruined swimsuit.
The thing is, how do we explain to our kids that people in authority don't actually know what they are doing?

[Uncle Frankie]

Your story is a perfect example of the absurdity of so many government regulations, especially nanny-type regulations. Just like price controls create far more problems than they solve except in cases of natural disaster, so do technology controls that don't involve strategic weaponry.

The micro-regulation of everyday life by the government is not unlike the cloud of intimidation that a brutal dictator holds over his subjects...the threat is usually not deadly, but it is the pervasive interference in your activities that create the kind of docile obedience that big government loves. Once they've trained you to sit, stay, and roll over on their arbitrary command in your daily life, you are far more likely to not protest their larger infringements into your paycheck, into your workplace, and into your property.

I'm going to record a reading of your story on my audio blog on tinkerTV.com tomorrow at 12pm PST. I invite you to read it yourself and talk about nanny regs like this. If you are interested, please reply at frankie@tinkertv.com. If not, look the the recording next week on the Tinkers Damn Blog at http://www.tinkertv.com/tinkersdamn

Keep gittin after it,

Frankie

[DavidN]

The USA is run by the "graduates" of "Law School." Why are you not surprised by this idiocy?

[P Saunders]

Here's a thought: Grill the teenager and manager as to whether they are both certified life savers with the prerequisite training. Also demand a copy of their employment records as well as any information relating to any criminal convictions for any reasons whatsoever. If they refuse, threaten to have the entire pool closed as their refusal violates [insert obscure or imagined statute here]. If they want to pick on a two year old, you might as well make their lives miserable, too.

[J. B.]

Good post. The inflexibility of some government regulations amaze me, but too often are the result from fear of litigation if not strictly adhered. I like your sarcasm—it’s refreshing!

[ParatrooperJJ]

I would have told them to get lost. Can they quote the statute that gives them authority to determine what flotation devices can be used.